the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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