my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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