tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
