Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
