Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
