I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
