Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
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