worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
