Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
