Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Randomize
