i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize