She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
