Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
