I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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