Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
