quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
