Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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