I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize