I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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