We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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