Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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