It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
My ATM looks so different sober.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
