I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
