genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
