She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
