I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
