please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
