Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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