swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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