Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
