Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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