I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
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