And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
