I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize