Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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