wrigley field is MILF paradise
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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