I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
