my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
