It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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