Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
