I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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