K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize