life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Sorry about my life...
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
