look no pants
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
