I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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