I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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