Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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