Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
