Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
