Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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