Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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