How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
