I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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