If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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