some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize