just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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