the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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