Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
