He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
