Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
