So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
